'You have no reason to be depressed'

There are plenty of blogs, websites and documents that explain what people should and should not say to somebody who is living with a mental illness.  Most of the time these comments are said innocently, assuming what they say will change the thought process of the other person.  But with the fantastic effort of mental health charities and anti-stigma champions it is now at the point where ignorance is no longer an excuse.

The sentence that makes my skin crawl with unease and frustration is ‘you have no reason to be depressed’.  I have had close friends and relatives say this to me more than asking me if I am alright.  Why do I take such offence of this?  Firstly, it is personal, because the word 'you' is used.  Secondly, it is incredibly judgmental, as if knowing exactly what the other person is thinking and feeling.  People say this because they do not understand why somebody, who looks happy and well on the outside, should be feeling so low in the inside, and hope that saying this will trigger a thought in their mind.  Unfortunately, that is far from the truth.  Telling somebody who is suffering from depression that they have no reason to will only add more hurt and frustration.  Why is that?

• Depression is not an emotion, it is an illness.  Whilst people can control emotions, to a degree, people cannot control whether they will become depressed or not.  Considering how painful (physically and emotionally) depression is people would chose NOT to be depressed.
• Nobody has the right to judge others.  So let me use an example below.

Jim is in his mid-thirties.  He has been married for almost ten years and has two young children.  He works full time as a quality manager and the commute is relatively easy, his wife works at the local nursery part time.  He enjoys taking the children to the park to feed the ducks and reads fantasy novels in his spare time. 

The passage gives the impression that Jim has a somewhat idyllic life.  He works, he has a home, wife, children and hobbies.  But Jim suffers from depression.  You may read the passage back and think ‘but he has no reason to be depressed’.  Would you tell Jim that?  How do you think Jim would feel?

Let’s go back to the passage.  Jim is married with two young children.  The marriage is at breaking point and they constantly row.  One of his children suffers from autism so his spare time is often spent on the children to keep them entertained or calm.  He works as a quality manager.  At work he is getting bullied by other colleagues and the work is often too much for him to cope with.  Whilst he enjoys reading and taking the children to the park he has recently lost the enjoyment and interest he had for those activities.  Because of stress at work and home he is often overeating for comfort, he suffers from headaches, backache and stomach ache and he does not sleep enough, which is often fractured.  He is still troubled by a trauma from his childhood that often appears in dreams and flashbacks.  

People who suffer from depression will not necessarily have a situation in their life to cause or contribute to their illness.  For some people depression can appear out of the blue.  However depression starts it can leave the person feeling drained, hopeless and at fault.  People often over or undereat, have fractured sleep and rise early, suffer from aches and pains and become possessed by negative thoughts.  In some cases people may self harm, have suicidal thoughts or even attempt suicide.

Now considering how people feel during depression if you were to tell them ‘you have no reason to be depressed’ how do you think that will make them feel?  It certainly will not achieve the effect that may be intended.  It will only add to the hatred they have towards themselves, the frustration they already feel and the hopelessness.

So what should you do?

• Let your friend or family member know that you are there to listen.  A simple text to say ‘How are you?’ goes a long way.
• Make time to see them, suggest a day out shopping, dinner at a restaurant or watch a film at the cinema.
• Never judge and never assume how they feel.  Instead, say phrases like ‘I can see how this is making you feel.’  Never say you understand if you don’t.
• Avoid clichés, saying phrases like ‘pull yourself together’ and ‘chin up’ is counterproductive.  If it was that easy then people would not be depressed!
• Be careful of what you say.  Old phrases like ‘looney bin’, ‘mental home’, ‘you’re mental’ and ‘he’s nuts’ can be very offensive. 

Time to Change, Rethink and Mind have pages dedicated to tips on what to say and how to be there for somebody who is suffering from a mental illness.  Some of the information above has been pinched from those sites.  The links below will help you:

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/talk-about-mental-health/tips

http://www.rethink.org/carers-family-friends/what-you-need-to-know/supporting-someone-with-a-mental-illness

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/how-can-friends-and-family-help/?o=9222#.U1T9c1VdXL0

Remember, that one text, note or conversation could make a huge difference to somebody who is suffering from a mental illness.  Let somebody know today that you are thinking of them.  

Praise your achievements

After a long stint of not very positive blogs (apart from the last entry) I suppose I must write what the title of the blogpage suggests, something POSITIVE!

As I have said in previous blogs I am an anxiety sufferer, probably for as long as I can remember.  I have cancelled appointments (one being an interview to become an air-stewardess) because the anxiety was too much to bear.  My recent achievement, visiting a prestigious commercial barrister chambers in Gray’s Inn, London, was probably my biggest challenge in terms of my anxiety.  Nerves were running so high my chest hurt from over-breathing and a racing heart and I felt physically sick.  I will admit, I contemplated on cancelling, but the information I obtained was well worth it!

Apart from the amazing experience, the invaluable information and contact that I received the day improved my mental health.  I have learnt over the years how harmless anxiety symptoms really are, but I could not deny how unbearably uncomfortable they were at the time.  Leaving chambers I learnt that a) I am still alive and healthy (most importantly) b) never let anxiety get in your way and c) the rewards are indeed fruitful.  I was very self-conscious of my social status, which was the likely cause of most of the anxiety, as a comprehensive school alumni and university drop out visiting a set full of private/public school and Oxbridge graduates!  But that was washed away when a wave of confidence came over me.  If I could do this then I could do absolutely, blooming ANYTHING!  I strutted through London like I was important (lol).

Whilst this is a massive achievement it is worth baring in mind the small achievements I have made.  At the time of this blog being posted I have been panic attack free for fourteen months, my paranoia and OCD traits has lessened dramatically and I can argue against my anxious mind more intellectually (‘no, that person is not laughing at me’ and ‘the outcome is very unlikely to be the worst case scenario’).  I even forget about the time I moved from the Kentish coast to London and planning on own wedding and often don’t view these as achievements, when they really are!  But are they really small achievements?

If a person with agoraphobia can step outside their home for the first time in ten years then that one, small step is certainly a massive achievement.  If somebody with social anxiety can visit friends in the pub with minimal anxiety and enjoy themselves then that is a massive achievement.  If somebody with major depression can get out of bed, wash and eat a small breakfast then that is also a massive achievement.  What we must remember is that our achievements should not be compared to other people’s, but compared to where we have come from and where we are now.  Anything that challenges the anxiety and depression and leaves a positive feeling afterwards (although this may not be quite the same after a negative experience, like visiting the hospital) is an achievement, and should be rewarded!

Sometimes relapses are more noticeable than achievements.  We all want to be free of anxiety and depression and set backs are frustrating (like experiencing a panic attack for the first time in months or lacking energy) but relapses are very common.  Instead of punishing ourselves with relapses we should use it as an opportunity to learn from previous mistakes (whether drinking that bottle of wine last night was a good idea or pushing oneself too far too soon), ride the relapse and get back to where we were before the relapse. 

So these are things worth remembering:

• Praise every achievement, no matter how big or small they may seem
• NEVER compare your achievements to others, in fact, don’t compare yourself to others at all
• Relapses are common, never beat yourself up if you do relapse
• Remember where you came from and where you are today!

My Mad Fat Diary S2 triumphs!

Another outstanding series, My Mad Fat Diary has triumphed!  Proceeding from the last series in 2013 Rae Earl, the protagonist in this inspiring story, starts her new life in college, which has caused her an array of problems.  From pre-college nerves, to wanting to be accepted amongst new peers, bullying and to panic attacks this series has probably covered all of our worst nightmares whilst being in education, with perfect execution.  The series ends with a massive explosion of facing her demons, from regrouping her amazing friends, standing up to the bully, re-establishing her relationship with her mother and meeting her baby sister.

My husband and I watched both series without fail, it became our Monday night ritual, and I called it my therapy.  Why did I call it therapy?  Because, despite being a creative writer, I struggle to find the words to describe how I am feeling.  When anxiety takes hold or depression swarms in my mind is empty, with only fog and squiggles.  What flooded my mind before self-harming was a catacomb of mess.  But My Mad Fat Diary reached out to me in a deep way, more often in a painful way, and Rae would often describe those moments of fear, confusion, pain and abandonment with words that would often evade me, and those words described it perfectly to the letter.  But not only did it help me find the words, it also made me realise that there are people out there who feel exactly as I do, and it’s OK to feel like that.

What was brought up that, which troubled me in respects to my illness, was the issue of how mental illness can consume our lives.  We can become so absorbed in our own thoughts, feelings and pains that we forget that the world continues to rise and fall around us.  Whilst we struggle with our battle we begin to forget that there are other battles to win, and they may not be our own.  From Rae’s point of view she struggles with the impending college performance, still in pain from almost being raped, abandonment and having her home life fall apart that she becomes blind of what is happening to her best friend, Chloe, who is battling her demons of low self-esteem and self worth by involving herself with men who take advantage of her.  In the end they both feel abandoned, trying to win the almighty fight on their own when, in the end, their support for each other gives them the strength to concur all. It took Rae to deceive her best friend by reading her diary to truly understand that Chloe is in much pain as she is, and she needs her help.

After getting over a period of time of thinking ‘I’m so blooming selfish!’ I began to realise that sometimes I become so absorbed in me that sometimes friends and family need me to be strong for them.  And Finn, the guardian angel and voice of reason, tells Rae that everybody has problems, everybody feels hurt, we just have to be strong.  We must stand up, shoulders back, head high, and not see the world as a cruel place, feeling like we’re the unlucky ones, but to realise that we are all not alone.  Problems happen, but getting through them can make us better people, more wise and able to face other problems in the future.  What is stopping us, is us.

I am not saying that our problems are meaningless and petty, everybody’s problems are important to them.  What we must remember is that whether we have anxiety, depression, schizophrenia or a personality disorder, it is not us.  A diagnosis cannot and shall not be the foundation of who we are.  To live life every day with a mental illness is a challenge in its own right, then to have life problems thrown into the mixture.  If we can get through the day then we are strong!  We are not the awful, ugly people that we paint ourselves to be everyday.  We are strong, and we are beautiful.

To round this blog off I would like to give my massive congratulations to the whole team who made My Mad Fat Diary the amazing success that it is, everybody on and off stage.  Sharon Rooney, who plays Rae Earl, played her part excellently (and what a pair of lungs she has!) and enabled us to connect to her character, to laugh with her, to cry with her, to feel her pain.  I also want to give my up most respect to the Rae Earl.  To beat mental illness stigma we must be upfront and honest about our illness, the struggles, the pains, the treatment, the lot.  Her courage to share her story will inspire many people who battle mental illness everyday, to believe that we are strong, beautiful people.  Thank you, Rae.