My baby died.....

I haven't posted in a long while, that's because my baby girl died.

Emma, a beautiful name for my beautiful daughter.  She was born 12 weeks and 1 day early, but she died two days before.

And since worrying about money, work, nothing really matters.  One of the most important people in my life was taken away from me.  No amount of worrying could prevent that from happening.  I could have been poor on the streets, or a rich aristrocrat, nobody could have saved her, medicine was not advanced enough.  No diagnostic test could have prevented it.  She was already gone when I saw the plus on the pregnancy test, when I saw her dancing inside me on the ultrasound, when I felt her kicking me.

It has been two months since I gave birth to her, when I said hello and goodbye at the same time, screaming.  I still miss her.  I still feel a whole in my chest where my heart should be.  The room where she should be sleeping is still empty.  The nights are deathly silent.  My breasts which have long since dried up should be ripe with milk for her to feed off.  I sit here writing this with tears running off my cheeks, listening to sad songs, when I should be in hospital giving birth to her, alive.

I worried about so much.  I worried about what my friends thought of me when I said that thing that nobody took any notice of.  I worried about that headache that ended up being nothing.  I worried what letter could have turned up on my welcome mat, instead it was just takeaway menus and annual statements.  I worried about so much, and nothing happened.  Until I heard that something was wrong with my daughter.

I remember sitting on my balcony at home with my husband, half cut on wine and smoking cigarettes.  Despite still feeling the raw, agonising pain of losing our child only a few days before, I tried to keep my husband and I sane.  I recalled my favourite memories, the water fight with my family and new friends in Turkey, the time we jammed on the train back from Lewisham in 2012, our wedding day, the things that made us laugh.  I tried to remember the joys that life could bring us if we allowed ourselves to be happy, and to lift my husband from the feeling of failure and grief.  We smiled, only it felt wrong.  Was it really wrong?  What I wanted to do was to remind ourselves that, in life, we were happy before this cruel tragedy, and we will be happy again, only it would be without our precious daughter to share those new memories with.

I admit, I worry A LOT.  I worry if my husband's headache is because of a brain tumour, even though its the tension of depression.  I worry if that left pelvic pain is an ectopic pregnancy, when it's not.  I worry whether we will ever have a child.  But when I think back on those stupid things that I worried about before, they meant nothing.  Worrying... Does... Nothing.  Things just happen, and we just have to get through it.

We had to make painful decisions that we hope we, and other parents, would never have to make again.  Painful decisions that we know were the right things to do that will burden us for life, for the sake of the life of our baby.  Worrying did not do that for us, love did.

This blog will not cure you of your anxiety.  Yes, awful things in life happens, but do we waste our life sitting here worrying about anything and everything that COULD happen?  No!  Of course not!  There is a life out there if we grasp it and make the most of what makes up happy.  I look at the photograph of our honeymoon sitting on the bookcase, it's the happiest photograph of us, and that serves as a reminder that we shared such joy that our teeth showed and our faces creased with sun-burned wrinkles.  If we could be that happy then, we can be that happy again.  Our daughter will always be remembered and will always be in our hearts and our thoughts.  And when we are that happy again she will still be with us, in our souls, forever, we will share that happiness with her.

Scars of bullying

After a scroll on Pinterest I noticed some bullying awareness pins that touched a raw nerve.  One was a long image of different people with written messages on their hands and faces relating to how people judge them and what they conceal inside.  Having anxiety and depression, and having to conceal my true feelings from the judgemental, I could empathise greatly.  But it took me back to why I am as I am.

I have always been a quiet and reserved child, why, I don't know, that's too far away to analyse.  But maybe that was why I was bullied.  I was an obvious target, I never spoke up and I learnt to believe that it was my fault why I was picked on.  Primary school was not too bad, however I do remember the pain of being excluded from friends.  If I'm honest, it sounds normal, who has not been excluded at some point?  But once my primary education was over, it got worse.

If I could delete memory like deleting computer files I would erase everything from 2001 to 2006.  Sounds pretty extreme, and I do risk ridding good memories, but if it meant never experiencing my most horrendous panic attack, being imprisoned in a year long depressive episode and being mentally healthy today, then sure!  The bullying I experienced affected my life so greatly I now, at the age of 25, have no confidence in my ability to do anything, hate every aspect of myself (physically and emotionally) and have little friends because I cannot trust anybody.

So what happened to screw me up?  I shan't go into detail, but run over it briefly.  You'll see why soon, and you'll thank me for it.  I started year seven with braces and short, curly hair.  Right there my appearance was mocked and taunted, especially when other students were trying to fit into their new peer groups at my expense.  Because of this I became quiet and shy, another trait to pick, because I could not speak up to defend myself.  Then came my enthusiasm towards learning, you see I came from a school which was in special measures, had an embarrassingly low GCSE pass rate and a dire reputation for poor behaving students inside and outside of the school grounds.  The school was an awful institution.  Anyway, I was picked on and called a 'boffin' for listening to my teacher and actually doing my work.  I'm rubbing my forehead in disbelief as I type this.

It was established that I was the girl who everybody picked on.  Girls, boys, years above and beneath me, even a couple of teachers joined in too!  And speaking of teachers, well, they knew full well what was going on, they just turned a blind eye.  Some felt sorry for me, but that was as far as it went.

And then, at the beginning of year nine in 2003 it got too much and something broke inside me.  I had my first panic attack, and my worst.  I thought I was dying.  Only a few months before I was diagnosed with a scoliosis, a curved spine, and now I was tormented with a mental illness.  This became new material.  I was bullied for being deformed and mad.  For a thirteen year old girl, who was trying to make sense of the world and my place within it, this took a massive hit on my self image and self consciousness.  And then, right on cue, the depression hit.

I couldn't eat, I slept most of the day, I didn't wash, I didn't want to speak to anybody.  A, then, 14 year old girl, spending all of her time in her dark bedroom in week old clothes.  That was not normal, whether you are 14 or 40.  But nobody thought the same.  People didn't think that teenage girls could get depression, there was no reason to get me help.  'She'll grow out of it' they said.  That never happened, instead the depression took a tighter, and more damaging grip.  Then there was the 'They're jealous of you' excuse- jealous of me?  Sure, they can have my depression if they are that jealous!

Despite being so ill and still being bullied day in day out, by which point was becoming physical (hit by tennis rackets, stones, rulers and other unidentified objects), I still went to school every day.  I have no idea how I did not commit suicide, because by that point the bullying had been going on for two and a half years continuous.  I couldn't tell you if I was brave, or still had hope, or whatever, but by God the deadly, crippling thoughts were there.  I still think back to that determination to continue, because if I was put back there I don't think I would last again.

But, I'm sitting here today, alive.  I have accomplished many things, I am married to my best friend, I am lucky enough to have a mortgage and I have even written a book.  OK, I don't have a social life, my phone barely rings, I see myself as a total failure and I never did accomplish getting a degree, but one has to remind herself that life is not all that bad.  But that's hard, because one is still depressed.

Do I forgive my bullies, the stupid teenagers who picked and picked at a human life so much that they left it broken and scarred?  No, I have tried, but deep down it still hurts and no amount of counselling, therapy or spirituality can stop that.  I have to live with this, I doubt they do.  I doubt they even remember who I am or what they did to me, and that hurts in its own way.  I suppose it hurts to not even receive an acknowledgement that what they did to me left a permanent scar which I have to live with forever.  If I'm honest, it would not make a difference to me, it would not undo anything.  But what about the adults who stood by and watched, the ones who could have done something?  That just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  If it were me I would not and could not stand by and watch, I would say something!  Children and teenagers rely on adults, be it their parents, guardians and teachers, for protection, and we should give them that protection.

Maybe it's because times have changed.  Today we see childhood bullying as abuse, whereas when I was at school is was just seen as part of growing up and pot luck whether it happened to you or not.  There was no solution to it, it either went away on its own or you moved schools.  I'm glad, for the sake of today's and tomorrow's children, that there is a better attitude towards bullying thanks to research into the damage that bullying can do which, I'm afraid to say, lingers long into adulthood.

What I learnt about mental health well-being on a counselling course

September last year I embarked on a level three course to pursue my career in counselling (that’s the talking therapy kind, not the politician kind, as I have had to remind people).  I enjoyed the smaller three month course that preceded it and I knew I would enjoy this one.  But did I prepare myself for the momentous amount of self-reflection and discovery, ow no I didn't!

Some people can be afraid of self-reflection and discovery, either because of not wanting to learn dark truths about ourselves or to relive painful memories and emotions.  Some people view it as tosh and nonsense.  But, from a mental health well-being point of view, it was very much worth it.

At the beginning we explored issues like culture, malpractice, ethical issues and limitations in the counselling environment.  Interesting stuff, you may learn where your tolerances are, but not mind blowing stuff.  Then comes the psychological theories of Freud’s unconscious and psychoanalysis, Adler’s attachment theory, Jung’s archetypes, Roger’s six core conditions, Berne’s theory of game playing and Ellis’s ABC-DE of irrational thinking.  I like science me, so this was fascinating and kept my attention.  This was when the self-analysis really kicks in.

Also, be it a counselling course, we learn a range of skills to allow our clients to freely explore their world in a safe environment provided by ourselves, physically and emotionally.  We practise these skills with our classmates, taking it in turns to be the counsellor and the client.  I imagined myself talking about mundane issues, I mean, like hell am I talking about my deepest and darkest issues to mere students, but I felt empowered to really go deep, ask myself why like I never did before, let the words flow out.  But, on the flip side, to allow your client to freely explore their world, to you, in the environment that you provided, is an honour.  There is a great satisfaction in knowing that, just by being empathic, you have helped somebody learn just that bit more about themselves and their situation.  Sometimes what they have learnt is negative, but that’s OK, because we can explore that further.

So, with all of the above, it is hard to not learn about yourself.  You think about your impulsions and childhood experiences against a psychodynamic theory and your anxieties against a cognitive behavioural method.  But it’s more than that.  I don’t know about others but I have become conscious of a lot of what I do, say and feel.  I recognise certain ‘neurosis’s stemming from my experiences of being bullied at school, like my fascination over perfection and inability to accept failure.  I have even learnt, for the first time, that it is OK to be angry, as this was an emotion that was looked down upon in my family.  I even people-watch differently now, I question why people behave the way they do.  This makes character development for my novels easier!

I suppose I could look back on this course as a very expensive therapy session.  But that’s OK.  My philosophy in life is that if we learn to fish we can feed ourselves for life.  I like to be shown how to do things, I want to learn as much as I can, and this remains in mental health well-being.  Somebody said to me that we buy better food and gym memberships to improve our physical well-being, so why do we not invest in talking therapy to improve our mental well-being?  The first argument against this is cost, one can exercise and get fit without the need of an expensive gym membership or equipment, but is that the same for mental health well-being? 

Talking is very important, but talking to the right person in the right environment is also important.  I am very lucky to have been in a classroom of empathic and congruent people who have enabled me to explore my world for me to get where I am today, but others will not be as lucky.  Talking therapies on the NHS are limited to a handful of sessions, and if you do not develop a working relationship with your therapist then tough.  If what you want to talk about is lengthy and complicated, then good luck condensing it into six sessions.  And if you want to go private then you better check the bank account first, as experience and quality of therapist is reflected in their costs.  So what can you do when the NHS can’t help and you’re skint?

This is my issue, right there.  And it hurts.  But, as one takes responsibility and control over their physical health one should over their mental health.  I would like there to be opportunities for people to talk about their problems and issues to anybody, a pen pal maybe, or even a good friend.  We need to talk to keep our health in check, talk about relationships at work, what decisions to make, niggling memories from the past.  Humans are social animals.  If we talk more I believe that anxiety and depressive symptoms will drop.

Our society is becoming more tolerant (in some areas, anyway).  Homosexuality is no longer illegal in the UK, people are free to practice whichever religion they want and women’s rights and equality is improving.  I have noticed how people are starting to become more open about mental health.  I am not afraid to stand up and defend mental health.  I have explained to people the pain of being depressed when they complain about their friends and how I conquered my demons in panic attacks and anxiety. 

And, on that basis, we should be open about everything.  OK, this is dependent on the person and time, I don’t think I could invite my postman for a tea and a chat about reaching self-actualisation, but if we could be a little more open than we are now, how much better could we all feel?  Let’s be honest and assertive with ourselves and each other, because I think that’s what we all need right now.

Show a little respect

First and foremost, I apologise for the long spell of silence.  Unfortunately, the depression had taken such a strong grip that I could not ignore the ‘You can’t write!’ and ‘Nobody reads these.’ thoughts.  Whilst I struggle to ignore these thoughts I shall write my blogs for my purpose of therapy, if nothing else.

As a student studying counselling skills one cannot avoid self-reflecting.  Since my teen years, where I spent many hours alone, self-reflecting has become a habit.  Whilst it is useful to think back on what we have done, how it could affect ourselves and others, and what we could have done better, it can be the basis for depressive thoughts.

Fortunately, I can reduce my self-loathing, morbid thoughts to ‘how can I get better?’ ideas that I had overlooked in the past.  The first being:  Respect.

Something that annoys me and, at times, upsets me is the lack of respect people show for one another.  I have seen doctors ignore care assistants in a hospital, middle management disgrace retail workers in front of customers and people disrespecting beliefs and life choices of people they have never got to know. 

As cliché as this sounds, we are one of seven (or eight- depending on when you read this) billion people who live on this planet.  We separate each other by the landmass we happen to live on, further separated by country, region, birth right, culture, race, faith, disability and so forth. 

It frustrated me that, despite us all being human beings, we see fit to treat people based on how we value others.  Because they follow a belief system different to our own, because they did not have a privileged upbringing, because they were born somewhere else.  Differences should be celebrated!

And for somebody who has depression, just having some respect could mean the difference between having a good day and an unbearable day.  But don’t be nice to people because of their mental wellness, do it because we are humans, do it to spread kindness.  You could make somebody feel better about themselves if you smile and share a friendly ‘hello’, or hold a door open for them (whether they are male or female).  A little effort will mean a lot to somebody else.  Even being mindful of what we’re saying could make a difference, keeping false information to oneself and not spreading hatred.

So, today, let’s vow to respect one another.

What I hate about Christmas

Only a few weeks until Christmas.  Many people are already in the festive spirit.  Decorations light up homes and streets, shops are full of customers and it’s hard to have a conversation without mentioning the holidays.  People are happy and cheerful, but not all of us.

What does Christmas remind me off?  Poverty and loneliness.  Yeah, OK, not something you particularly want to read when you’re counting down the sleeps, but not everybody is in the festive mood. 

This year, despite making great achievements and memories, I have spent most of it in depression.  To some of my friends and family that may come as a shock, I might look OK, as I go about my days pretending to be so, but in my mind it has been gripped by darkness.  It’s somewhat become my default state.

Since November I have thought of Christmas like an impending dentist appointment.  The thought of buying presents, the thought of putting on that cheerful face and spending time with my family.  I sound like an awful person, don’t I?  Like me explain.

What I despise about Christmas is the importance of buying presents.  Think back to Black Friday on 28^th November 2014, pictures and videos showed shoppers fighting over products, trampling on people and ransacking shops.  It showed greed at its best.  There is a huge emphasis on buying expensive presents, and when money is tight it’s more important to get them at a bargain price.  Adverts show the latest tablet, laptop, TV, games and kitchen appliances that people crave.  But what about the people who try to buy their loved ones what they want when money is low?

Because of life circumstances during the last few months I have been unable to buy any presents.  The need to buy presents for my family has become consuming.  I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Do I buy presents and risk going in the red, cutting back on the heating and food bills, or feel guilty, frugal and disappointed in myself by not? 

And then once the presents are bought, there then comes the dreaded day.  Everybody is smiling, seeing family members for the first time in God knows when, smelling the food cooking in the kitchen, looking at the mountain of wrapped presents in the living room and hearing those familiar Christmas songs.  Everybody is happy on Christmas Day, it’s almost a crime not to be, but if you suffer from depression, if nothing else makes you happy, then neither will Christmas.

It’s the day where I have to act more than any other day.  When I want to avoid everyone and hide I have to join in with jokes, laughter, games and happiness.  Acting more makes me want to cry.  Why can’t I be that happy, I often think to myself.  I struggle to tell people how I feel anyway, but to tell them on Christmas Day?  Not a chance.

And when depressed people are portrayed as negative, and many other adjectives, invitations out to parties and dinners become less, or non-existent.  It can feel hurtful standing on the perimeter when you watch people exchange presents from exclusive Secret Santa groups and talk about upcoming Christmas Do’s that you’re not invited to.  It’s exceptionally hurtful when they’re the friends you lost from previous depressive episodes.  Who wants to be friends with a depressed person anyway?

Just to sound remotely human, I do honestly wish people happiness over the festive period, whatever you believe or celebrate.  I wish that upon everybody, every day of the year.

Suicide - who is actually selfish here?

CAUTION - this blog may be triggering.

Like millions of other people, I woke up to discover the news of Robin William’s death on 12^th August 2014.  As a kid from the 90s he was a man who brought me laughter and tears.  Whilst any death is deeply sad to discover, his suicide only makes it worse.  It has come to light that he suffered from severe depression.

Depression is still very poorly understood, by the general public and researchers alike.  There is still the perception that depression is an emotion, rather than an illness, and people cannot understand why those, who are surrounded by loved ones, money and good fortune, would want to take their life.  Researchers still cannot understand why some of us will suffer from the illness whilst others won’t, and what causes the illness.

What is probably more poorly understood about depression is suicide.  People perceive it as a cowardice, selfish or attention seeking act.  This is far from the truth.  People who are suicidal don’t want to hurt their loved ones, or cause trauma to others, they simply want to vanish, to not feel the pain (or nothingness) anymore. 

Depression, as an illness, is incredibly debilitating.  Not only does it sap people of their happiness and energy, it saps them of their hope.  Simple, daily tasks like having a shower, making a cup of tea or to make basic choices are a great challenge.  Things that people once loved doing, like seeing friends, baking, reading and more are no longer enjoyed and no longer bring any pleasure.  There is no care in appearance.  The senses are dulled, colour is no longer bright and sweet sounds just a noise.  Not only do people get headaches, joint pains, stomach aches and general pains, the mental anguish of feeling like a failure, worthless and a waste is far worse.  There is a feeling of nothingness.  And when it continues for weeks and months hope slowly slips away that there will be an end or a relief, and how people would be better off without you. 

With depression still somewhat a taboo and people too ashamed to speak out in fear of being stigmatised, is it really surprising that people wear a facade and try all they can to live on like nothing is wrong?  Is it surprising that people just want it to end?  That’s what breaks my heart the most.  It doesn’t matter if they’re a well known public figure or somebody’s friend from down the road, finding out that somebody has committed suicide is painful to discover.  How lonely that person must have felt, how much pain they must have been in, to end it in such tragic circumstances. 

And I somewhat blame the public for this.  Depression is seen as a weakness, a choice, and an emotion.  OK, it’s hard to really explain to somebody how depression feels without them having gone through it themselves, but at what cost does it take to be sympathetic?  How difficult is it to ask somebody if they’re OK, or to invite them over for a cup of tea?  If people can ask their loved ones how they are after an infection, an operation or accident, why can’t they ask their friends suffering from a mental illness if they’re OK?  People who suffer from depression, and any mental illness for that matter, need the love of their friends and family to carry on.  They don’t ask them to be an expert on their illness or to be their carer, they just want them to care and to understand that they may be having a bad day, or a bad patch.  Stigmatising somebody, telling them to ‘get on with it’ or to ‘stop being stupid’ only makes their pain worse.

That is selfish.

So, I ask you, if you know somebody who has a mental illness, just do one thing, for them.  Send them a text or Facebook message, give them a call, invite them over for a chat, visit the park with them, let them know that you care and that you are there.  It doesn’t take much, and that can go a very long way.  You could be saving their life.

Antidepressants – the falsified ‘magic’ pill

The problem with western medicine in that there is an emphasis on quick fixes.  Got an infection?  Get some antibiotics from the doctors.  Got back ache?  Neck some paracetamol that are hiding in the cupboard somewhere.  Job done.  Whilst this can work for some physical illnesses, this is not the case for mental illnesses.

The unfortunately truth about mental illnesses is that they take time, and lots of it, to heal.  For some, a few months or a few years, whilst others it can take a whole lifetime, or never.  Despite what these miracle programs like The Speakmans present, there is no quick fix.  Years of phobia, obsession or depression cannot be cured in a day (unless you are one of a very few lucky people out there).

Unlike pain killers and antibiotics, antidepressants take considerable time to work.  One of the biggest problems with antidepressants is how long it takes for the positive effects to take shape.  For the first two to four weeks (or up to eight weeks for some) symptoms of anxiety and depression can increase.  Different medication and different people experience different side effects.  Some are quite fortunate and may only experience mild shakiness for a couple of weeks, whilst some can experience extremely severe anxiety, dizziness, suicidal thoughts, nausea, weight gain, sleepiness and electric shock sensations.  For some, these are too unbearable to wait out.

And even when the initial side effects have subsided, the desired effects may not ever take hold.  The idea of antidepressants is to make the symptoms of anxiety and depression more tolerable to carry out normal day-to-day duties and for therapies to work better.  For some people the symptoms of anxiety and depression remain as so, or can worsen.  There is no definitive answer on how people will feel until they take the antidepressants.

I said earlier that antidepressants are to make the symptoms of anxiety and depression MORE TOLERABLE.  Unfortunately, people still believe that they are used to cure them, although I’m sure they have cured people in the past, I have yet to meet one of them.  There is still little understanding  why some people have anxiety and depression and others don’t, and what parts of the body are responsible, but there is strong evidence that talking therapies work far better than antidepressants. 

Antidepressants only mask the problem.  Sure, anxiety symptoms are uncomfortable and depression is hard to live with, but masking the symptoms does not treat the illness.  Talking therapies, such as counselling, Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy and psychoanalysis help to unravel memories that may have contributed to the illness, any feelings that need exploring and struggles that need a route to overcome, whilst talking to somebody who is impartial, empathic, and who can provide safety.  I cannot express the benefit of discussing something that is deep, personal and painful to somebody who you can trust, and that overwhelming feeling of it finally being off your chest.  And there is also the added benefit of learning coping techniques!  Different therapies provide different benefits, something that I will explore in a later blog.  This is worth discussing with a doctor or mental health professional when discussing a treatment plan.  

It breaks my heart and makes me want to slap my forehead at the same time when I read people posting on forums about how their antidepressants are still making them anxious or depressed.  It breaks my heart that somebody has clearly not explained what their true use is, and makes me sigh that yet another victim has fallen through the trap of false pretences.  I do not blame people entirely, I once thought that they were the answer, but it took for me to experience their effects and research to realise how very wrong I was.

I do not completely disapprove antidepressants.  They can truly help somebody plagued by severe anxiety or depression to take hold of their life again and it can make talking therapies more beneficial.  As long as the individual is aware that antidepressants are not a quick fix or a cure it can avoid disappointment and aid in recovery.

Work and mental health: help or hindrance?

It is widely documented that working, whether paid or not, boosts mental health.  It gives the person a social status, structure, something to keep them physically and mentally active, opportunities to interact with others and achievement.  If the work is paid it obviously brings about a financial reward which contributes towards living costs and treats.  The Royal College of Psychiatrists expresses these benefits and even suggests that the health risks of not working are far greater than other killer diseases.  There is also an economic benefit if more people worked, cutting down the amount of benefits issued, and the money earned circulating back into the economy.

As somebody who offers information to those suffering from anxiety and depression I always express how important work is to our health.  For those who are still very anxious of the idea of working I suggest voluntary work or entering employment on a part time basis.  However they work, whether it be for one day a week or full time commitment (providing that they are not over-worked) it is vitally important.

But how can I give this advice to people when I hear suffering as a result of work?

I am very lucky that I escaped (yes, escaped!) the retail industry and returned to health care.  Our staff levels were cut to dangerous numbers, which made us feel unsafe at work, and there was always a threat of being sacked for small mistakes, redundancies and shop closures.  I learnt that it was the lack of control I had over my work and lack of job security that caused my anxiety to sky rocket and depression to return more frequently.  Whilst I am now very lucky to be in a job that is not only secure but expects me to use my initiative which, in turn, has made me more mentally healthy and confident.  For many of my friends and ex-colleagues the stress and lack of appreciation is still bringing them down.

It is not only the retail industry that I see this happening (I will say that this does not apply over the whole industry) but everywhere else.  I have seen people working for the council, fire service, healthcare service, banks, and many other sectors suffering from stress.  More often than not this is over job security, fearing when their contract will be terminated and how they will survive, and being overworked.  I have seen people look pale, beaten down, thin and on the brink of breakdown because their work life is proving too much.

I have said since I started campaigning for better mental health awareness that work related stress needs to be taken incredibly seriously.  It is a health and safety issue.  If people are stressed this can cause a drop in performance, increase the number of mistakes, increase staff absences and the risk of developing a mental illness.  It is worrisome that employers leave this mental health hazard open and risk their staff to a lifelong, debilitating condition.  If employers stress the mental health implications of physical injuries at work then why can they not put measures in place to protect employee’s mental health in the first instance?

How can this be ignored when:

• Around 25 working days are lost per case of stress
• Factors intrinsic to work is the leading factor contributing to mental illness
• Large workplaces have the highest prevalence of stress, small workplaces having the lowest
• Workload is the leading cause of stress, with lack of managerial support coming second

(http://www.hse.gov.uk/statistics/causdis/stress/stress.pdf)

Further reading

Health and Safety Executive http://www.hse.gov.uk/

Royal College of Psychiatrists http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/

'You have no reason to be depressed'

There are plenty of blogs, websites and documents that explain what people should and should not say to somebody who is living with a mental illness.  Most of the time these comments are said innocently, assuming what they say will change the thought process of the other person.  But with the fantastic effort of mental health charities and anti-stigma champions it is now at the point where ignorance is no longer an excuse.

The sentence that makes my skin crawl with unease and frustration is ‘you have no reason to be depressed’.  I have had close friends and relatives say this to me more than asking me if I am alright.  Why do I take such offence of this?  Firstly, it is personal, because the word 'you' is used.  Secondly, it is incredibly judgmental, as if knowing exactly what the other person is thinking and feeling.  People say this because they do not understand why somebody, who looks happy and well on the outside, should be feeling so low in the inside, and hope that saying this will trigger a thought in their mind.  Unfortunately, that is far from the truth.  Telling somebody who is suffering from depression that they have no reason to will only add more hurt and frustration.  Why is that?

• Depression is not an emotion, it is an illness.  Whilst people can control emotions, to a degree, people cannot control whether they will become depressed or not.  Considering how painful (physically and emotionally) depression is people would chose NOT to be depressed.
• Nobody has the right to judge others.  So let me use an example below.

Jim is in his mid-thirties.  He has been married for almost ten years and has two young children.  He works full time as a quality manager and the commute is relatively easy, his wife works at the local nursery part time.  He enjoys taking the children to the park to feed the ducks and reads fantasy novels in his spare time. 

The passage gives the impression that Jim has a somewhat idyllic life.  He works, he has a home, wife, children and hobbies.  But Jim suffers from depression.  You may read the passage back and think ‘but he has no reason to be depressed’.  Would you tell Jim that?  How do you think Jim would feel?

Let’s go back to the passage.  Jim is married with two young children.  The marriage is at breaking point and they constantly row.  One of his children suffers from autism so his spare time is often spent on the children to keep them entertained or calm.  He works as a quality manager.  At work he is getting bullied by other colleagues and the work is often too much for him to cope with.  Whilst he enjoys reading and taking the children to the park he has recently lost the enjoyment and interest he had for those activities.  Because of stress at work and home he is often overeating for comfort, he suffers from headaches, backache and stomach ache and he does not sleep enough, which is often fractured.  He is still troubled by a trauma from his childhood that often appears in dreams and flashbacks.  

People who suffer from depression will not necessarily have a situation in their life to cause or contribute to their illness.  For some people depression can appear out of the blue.  However depression starts it can leave the person feeling drained, hopeless and at fault.  People often over or undereat, have fractured sleep and rise early, suffer from aches and pains and become possessed by negative thoughts.  In some cases people may self harm, have suicidal thoughts or even attempt suicide.

Now considering how people feel during depression if you were to tell them ‘you have no reason to be depressed’ how do you think that will make them feel?  It certainly will not achieve the effect that may be intended.  It will only add to the hatred they have towards themselves, the frustration they already feel and the hopelessness.

So what should you do?

• Let your friend or family member know that you are there to listen.  A simple text to say ‘How are you?’ goes a long way.
• Make time to see them, suggest a day out shopping, dinner at a restaurant or watch a film at the cinema.
• Never judge and never assume how they feel.  Instead, say phrases like ‘I can see how this is making you feel.’  Never say you understand if you don’t.
• Avoid clichés, saying phrases like ‘pull yourself together’ and ‘chin up’ is counterproductive.  If it was that easy then people would not be depressed!
• Be careful of what you say.  Old phrases like ‘looney bin’, ‘mental home’, ‘you’re mental’ and ‘he’s nuts’ can be very offensive. 

Time to Change, Rethink and Mind have pages dedicated to tips on what to say and how to be there for somebody who is suffering from a mental illness.  Some of the information above has been pinched from those sites.  The links below will help you:

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/talk-about-mental-health/tips

http://www.rethink.org/carers-family-friends/what-you-need-to-know/supporting-someone-with-a-mental-illness

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/how-can-friends-and-family-help/?o=9222#.U1T9c1VdXL0

Remember, that one text, note or conversation could make a huge difference to somebody who is suffering from a mental illness.  Let somebody know today that you are thinking of them.  

Praise your achievements

After a long stint of not very positive blogs (apart from the last entry) I suppose I must write what the title of the blogpage suggests, something POSITIVE!

As I have said in previous blogs I am an anxiety sufferer, probably for as long as I can remember.  I have cancelled appointments (one being an interview to become an air-stewardess) because the anxiety was too much to bear.  My recent achievement, visiting a prestigious commercial barrister chambers in Gray’s Inn, London, was probably my biggest challenge in terms of my anxiety.  Nerves were running so high my chest hurt from over-breathing and a racing heart and I felt physically sick.  I will admit, I contemplated on cancelling, but the information I obtained was well worth it!

Apart from the amazing experience, the invaluable information and contact that I received the day improved my mental health.  I have learnt over the years how harmless anxiety symptoms really are, but I could not deny how unbearably uncomfortable they were at the time.  Leaving chambers I learnt that a) I am still alive and healthy (most importantly) b) never let anxiety get in your way and c) the rewards are indeed fruitful.  I was very self-conscious of my social status, which was the likely cause of most of the anxiety, as a comprehensive school alumni and university drop out visiting a set full of private/public school and Oxbridge graduates!  But that was washed away when a wave of confidence came over me.  If I could do this then I could do absolutely, blooming ANYTHING!  I strutted through London like I was important (lol).

Whilst this is a massive achievement it is worth baring in mind the small achievements I have made.  At the time of this blog being posted I have been panic attack free for fourteen months, my paranoia and OCD traits has lessened dramatically and I can argue against my anxious mind more intellectually (‘no, that person is not laughing at me’ and ‘the outcome is very unlikely to be the worst case scenario’).  I even forget about the time I moved from the Kentish coast to London and planning on own wedding and often don’t view these as achievements, when they really are!  But are they really small achievements?

If a person with agoraphobia can step outside their home for the first time in ten years then that one, small step is certainly a massive achievement.  If somebody with social anxiety can visit friends in the pub with minimal anxiety and enjoy themselves then that is a massive achievement.  If somebody with major depression can get out of bed, wash and eat a small breakfast then that is also a massive achievement.  What we must remember is that our achievements should not be compared to other people’s, but compared to where we have come from and where we are now.  Anything that challenges the anxiety and depression and leaves a positive feeling afterwards (although this may not be quite the same after a negative experience, like visiting the hospital) is an achievement, and should be rewarded!

Sometimes relapses are more noticeable than achievements.  We all want to be free of anxiety and depression and set backs are frustrating (like experiencing a panic attack for the first time in months or lacking energy) but relapses are very common.  Instead of punishing ourselves with relapses we should use it as an opportunity to learn from previous mistakes (whether drinking that bottle of wine last night was a good idea or pushing oneself too far too soon), ride the relapse and get back to where we were before the relapse. 

So these are things worth remembering:

• Praise every achievement, no matter how big or small they may seem
• NEVER compare your achievements to others, in fact, don’t compare yourself to others at all
• Relapses are common, never beat yourself up if you do relapse
• Remember where you came from and where you are today!

My Mad Fat Diary S2 triumphs!

Another outstanding series, My Mad Fat Diary has triumphed!  Proceeding from the last series in 2013 Rae Earl, the protagonist in this inspiring story, starts her new life in college, which has caused her an array of problems.  From pre-college nerves, to wanting to be accepted amongst new peers, bullying and to panic attacks this series has probably covered all of our worst nightmares whilst being in education, with perfect execution.  The series ends with a massive explosion of facing her demons, from regrouping her amazing friends, standing up to the bully, re-establishing her relationship with her mother and meeting her baby sister.

My husband and I watched both series without fail, it became our Monday night ritual, and I called it my therapy.  Why did I call it therapy?  Because, despite being a creative writer, I struggle to find the words to describe how I am feeling.  When anxiety takes hold or depression swarms in my mind is empty, with only fog and squiggles.  What flooded my mind before self-harming was a catacomb of mess.  But My Mad Fat Diary reached out to me in a deep way, more often in a painful way, and Rae would often describe those moments of fear, confusion, pain and abandonment with words that would often evade me, and those words described it perfectly to the letter.  But not only did it help me find the words, it also made me realise that there are people out there who feel exactly as I do, and it’s OK to feel like that.

What was brought up that, which troubled me in respects to my illness, was the issue of how mental illness can consume our lives.  We can become so absorbed in our own thoughts, feelings and pains that we forget that the world continues to rise and fall around us.  Whilst we struggle with our battle we begin to forget that there are other battles to win, and they may not be our own.  From Rae’s point of view she struggles with the impending college performance, still in pain from almost being raped, abandonment and having her home life fall apart that she becomes blind of what is happening to her best friend, Chloe, who is battling her demons of low self-esteem and self worth by involving herself with men who take advantage of her.  In the end they both feel abandoned, trying to win the almighty fight on their own when, in the end, their support for each other gives them the strength to concur all. It took Rae to deceive her best friend by reading her diary to truly understand that Chloe is in much pain as she is, and she needs her help.

After getting over a period of time of thinking ‘I’m so blooming selfish!’ I began to realise that sometimes I become so absorbed in me that sometimes friends and family need me to be strong for them.  And Finn, the guardian angel and voice of reason, tells Rae that everybody has problems, everybody feels hurt, we just have to be strong.  We must stand up, shoulders back, head high, and not see the world as a cruel place, feeling like we’re the unlucky ones, but to realise that we are all not alone.  Problems happen, but getting through them can make us better people, more wise and able to face other problems in the future.  What is stopping us, is us.

I am not saying that our problems are meaningless and petty, everybody’s problems are important to them.  What we must remember is that whether we have anxiety, depression, schizophrenia or a personality disorder, it is not us.  A diagnosis cannot and shall not be the foundation of who we are.  To live life every day with a mental illness is a challenge in its own right, then to have life problems thrown into the mixture.  If we can get through the day then we are strong!  We are not the awful, ugly people that we paint ourselves to be everyday.  We are strong, and we are beautiful.

To round this blog off I would like to give my massive congratulations to the whole team who made My Mad Fat Diary the amazing success that it is, everybody on and off stage.  Sharon Rooney, who plays Rae Earl, played her part excellently (and what a pair of lungs she has!) and enabled us to connect to her character, to laugh with her, to cry with her, to feel her pain.  I also want to give my up most respect to the Rae Earl.  To beat mental illness stigma we must be upfront and honest about our illness, the struggles, the pains, the treatment, the lot.  Her courage to share her story will inspire many people who battle mental illness everyday, to believe that we are strong, beautiful people.  Thank you, Rae.

Children with mental illness – tips for parents

Before I begin I would like to mention that children's health, especially children's mental health, is not my area of knowledge so I will not offer a list of symptoms or behaviours that should alert parents to think that they could possibly have a mental illness.  Children can exhibit symptoms that are not alike to adult mental illness and parents can tell what is normal and abnormal behaviour in their children.  If you are concerned that your child could be suffering from a mental illness then your first point of call is their GP.

But if your child does have a diagnosed mental illness it can be difficult for the child and parents alike.  It is important for the parents to be involved in their child’s treatment and to offer emotional support.  A child experiencing a mental illness can be frightful and confusing.  Children's development is vital for a healthy adult life and, if the mental illness takes hold too much and there is little support, it could affect their mental health into adulthood.  Here are some tips that could help both parents and child.

Talk to the school:  Let their teachers, and any supporting staff, know that your child has a mental illness.  If the teacher knows then they can monitor their behaviour and learning and possibly tailor their education for good and bad days.  It is important to allow the child to complete their education with minimal disruption, which will benefit in the long term.

Keep in the know with the doctor:  Always speak to your doctor if you are not sure about anything to do with your child’s health and treatment.  Make sure you are aware of what medication they are on (if any) and what therapy is being offered.  It will help to feel more in control.

Monitor them:  Make sure they are eating healthy as a balanced diet is essential for growth and development.  Keep an eye on their behaviour, are they acting differently than normal? 

Be there:  No matter if your child is throwing tantrums, crying, screaming or generally acting out, it could be a sign that they need some attention.  Forget the name calling and what they did, let them know that they will not be alone and that they can talk to their parents whenever they need to.  It does not have to be about mental illness, a chat about their day at school is enough.  Trips out to places they enjoy and the like is also a benefit.  A cuddle on the couch whilst watching a favourite TV show together is another example.

Listen to them:  Sometimes there can be subtle hints that all is not well.  Mentioning aches and pains, not feeling ‘right’ and negative comments could be a sign that they are experiencing a bad patch or something needs changing.  Your child knows when they are not well.

Tell them you love them:  There maybe days when the child feels useless, alone, scared, confused and all the above, simply let them know that they are loved by the whole family.  It is a relief to feel that your family will love you unconditionally, whether you are ill or not.

Never ever ignore the warning signs that your child could be suffering from a mental illness.  Simply burying your head in the sand will not make the problem go away, but make it much worse for the child.  Please don’t be afraid to ask the child what is wrong, or speak to their teachers to discuss their behaviour at school.  It is vitally important for the child!

As a member of an online support group I have come across young people, often as young as 13, experiencing anxiety, depression, bipolar and schizophrenia and often feeling alienated, alone and confused.  An adult experiencing a mental illness is tragic, but to hear a child suffering is heartbreaking.  A healthy childhood is paramount for healthy development into adulthood and their childhood cannot be robbed by mental illness.  But supportive parents could be the key to living happily and healthily.

There is plenty of support for parents who have children with a mental illness.  Mind, SANE and the Samaratans are three excellent support networks, as well as YoungMinds, Barnardos and the NSPCC.  Do not be afraid to ask for help!

I Cannot Tell You

I don't write poems anymore but a couple of days ago I was hit by inspiration and had to write it all down.  It's only a short poem on the prejudice towards depression but the husband likes it so much that he wants to turn it into a song.  Watch this space and enjoy!


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I CANNOT TELL YOU


It's coming back again,
The darkness is creeping in,
Months of hell will come,
Yet I cannot tell you.

Whilst you complain of back aches,
Stubborn colds,
And that infection you got checked.
I am suffering in silence
Because I cannot tell you.

It is a burden living with a real disease
That people see as an excuse.
How can I explain how I'm feeling
When we live in a world of prejudice?
I cannot tell you

People refuse to understand,
'Pull yourself together' they say,
'Snap out of it' they say,
'You have no reason to feel like this' they say.
That's why I cannot tell you.

I wish you understood that this is not my fault,
Even though I blame myself everyday.
I don't ask you to be an expert on my thoughts,
All I ask is for you to care.
So I can tell you.
So I'm not alone.

Educating Eamonn Holmes

When I heard that This Morning was covering the subject of post-Christmas and New Year depression and mental health I was intrigued to watch, to only be made a fool out of…

I am very happy when media debates the subject of mental health, it increases the knowledge and awareness of the subject whilst challenging the stigma and discrimination.  I believe programs like My Mad Fat Diary and the BBC series It’s a Mad World have done a fantastic job in doing so.  But when I tuned into This Morning on the 3^rd January 2014 to hear Eamonn Holmes laughing, saying that those with Generalised Anxiety Disorder ‘are not happy unless they are worrying’ and that all you need is to have a laugh I was left feeling embarrassed, a fool and a laughing stock to the nation.  Like millions of others I am debilitated by my anxiety and depressive episodes, to have somebody belittle the subject and make it humorous is an insult.

I hope Mr Holmes will read this, as I have a few pointers to enlighten him on:

• Mental illness is a REAL disease.  You would not laugh at someone who has diabetes or chronic back pain, so why those with a mental illness?
• Depression is not cured by simply laughing it away, if that were the case millions of us would not be left debilitated by it.
• People with Generalised Anxiety Disorder are certainly NOT happy if they are worrying, it’s the complete opposite, WE WANT TO STOP WORRYING.
• Telling people that they will not recover from bereavement is giving them negative false hope.

I hope This Morning will revisit the subject of mental health in the future as it is very important.  All I ask is that the discussion is approached with more sensitivity and accuracy.  Whilst I understand that good humour is helpful, there is a time, a place, and a better way of doing it.

How to stay happy and healthy during winter

 The long, winter nights can bring on a lull in all of us, whether we suffer from a mental illness (especially Seasonal Affective Disorder – or SAD) or not.  I become quite apprehensive of the winter months when autumn sets in, more so because of the short days rather than the miserable weather and cold that comes with it. 

The reason why the long nights affect our mood is because when it becomes dark our brain produces a hormone called melatonin, which makes us sleepy.   When sunlight hits our eyes this triggers the production of melatonin to lessen, to make us more energetic.  This is why you may feel sluggish and tired by six or seven in the evening in December.  There are other theories as to why peoples’ moods are affected and why people suffer from SAD, like the over production of melatonin and disruption in our body clocks.

If you feel that the long nights are affecting you, whether it’s your mood, sleep or overall health, then the following tips can help you to elevate the symptoms.

• Wake as the sun rises.  It’s important to get as much sunlight as possible.  If you are a particular late riser then it may be beneficial to wake up earlier, even if it’s by an hour or two.  The sun rises around eight in the morning during December.
• Keep active.  Even if it’s laborious housework, a stroll to town or gentle exercises at home, exercise releases endorphins which are known as a ‘happy hormone’.  This will make you feel generally better about yourself, as well as giving you more energy.
• Purchase a light box.  Light boxes emit a light wave similar to the sun that helps to reduce the production of melatonin.  Depending on the manufacturer and instructions from health professionals a session of thirty minutes a day is enough to help relieve symptoms.  Bear in mind that there are debates whether light therapy does work.
• Eat healthily.  It is easy to munch on mince pies and chocolates, especially around the festive season, but it is important to maintain a healthy diet.  Consume the recommended amount of vitamins and minerals, especially fruit and vegetables.  Alcohol should be avoided, or at least reduced, as it is a natural depressant.
• Go out during midday.  Midday is when the sun is at its highest and strongest.  Having a twenty minute walk outside will expose you to enough sunlight to help reduce the production of melatonin. 
• Take breaks outside.  If you work inside, especially during the small hours of sunlight, then ensure that you take some of your break outside to expose yourself to sunlight.  Same reason as above.

If you start to feel worthless, guilty, tearful, difficulty concentrating, irritable, have sleeping problems, eating problems, and so on then please see your doctor as you could be suffering from depression.  Once recognised it can be treated.

Recovery takes 90% YOU

So what do I mean by the title?  Well, any form of recovery takes work from the patient, whether it’s resting a sprained ankle or ensuring that antibiotics are taken correctly.  We ask a health professional for help but once the help has been given it is up to us whether we use that help and to what extent.

Despite poor treatment of mental illnesses there is help and it comes in many forms.  The doctor can prescribe medication, refer you to tests or mental health services or offer some advice and information.  Many charities and internet forums offer a bounty of advice and support.  If we look for help we will find it.  And with all of that support out there, whether it’s reading self-help books or receiving talking therapy whilst on medication we are all responsible of our own recovery, probably a lot more so than if we were suffering from a physical illness.

As someone who is recovering from a serious anxiety disorder I am not speaking out of term.  After receiving different forms of treatment and reading many articles on the internet I have learned that once we have been given the tools we must use them outside of the doctors surgery or support center.  I am guilty of being given tools and never using them, like relaxation techniques, and wondering to myself why I wasn't recovering.  Persistence with recovering techniques will work eventually.

It is hard to see improvement with a mental illness when coping strategies or treatment plans are new, in fact it may feel like it’s getting worse.  It’s easy to drop something if it doesn't work the first time.  But with determination, persistence and tolerance it will begin to show that it works.  Changing the way you think, from ‘I can’t do this!’ or ‘What if?’ to ‘I can do this’ and ‘Have I?’ to ‘I have’ takes a lot of practise, it won’t work the first, second or third time, but it will begin to work by the fourth time and work better each time.  Exercising may seem tough, especially if you’re suffering from depression, but once the wall has been broken it gets easier and starts to show improvement. 

Mental illnesses like the anxiety and depressive disorder require the person to change their way of thinking for recovery to begin.  It also means putting the person in situations that may cause distressing experiences, like a panic attack, anxiety or distressing thoughts.  Recovery, at that stage, can be very difficult and uncomfortable.  It takes small, simple steps at a gradual pace.  Eventually the symptoms will become bearable and manageable to take on new steps.

To be mentally healthy means that we can cope in challenging situations and adapt to change, this all means we can think rationally.  If we are to achieve this we have to challenge our thoughts and strive to change them to a healthier and proactive way.  Unfortunately, there is no magic pill or magic phrase that will make this happen, it takes us.  With an arsenal of tools out there we can begin to change our way of thinking and slowly recover.  I am by no means excusing the poor level of treatment, because even with excellent mental health services recovery still requires a change in thinking and hard work from the patient.