Scars of bullying

After a scroll on Pinterest I noticed some bullying awareness pins that touched a raw nerve.  One was a long image of different people with written messages on their hands and faces relating to how people judge them and what they conceal inside.  Having anxiety and depression, and having to conceal my true feelings from the judgemental, I could empathise greatly.  But it took me back to why I am as I am.

I have always been a quiet and reserved child, why, I don't know, that's too far away to analyse.  But maybe that was why I was bullied.  I was an obvious target, I never spoke up and I learnt to believe that it was my fault why I was picked on.  Primary school was not too bad, however I do remember the pain of being excluded from friends.  If I'm honest, it sounds normal, who has not been excluded at some point?  But once my primary education was over, it got worse.

If I could delete memory like deleting computer files I would erase everything from 2001 to 2006.  Sounds pretty extreme, and I do risk ridding good memories, but if it meant never experiencing my most horrendous panic attack, being imprisoned in a year long depressive episode and being mentally healthy today, then sure!  The bullying I experienced affected my life so greatly I now, at the age of 25, have no confidence in my ability to do anything, hate every aspect of myself (physically and emotionally) and have little friends because I cannot trust anybody.

So what happened to screw me up?  I shan't go into detail, but run over it briefly.  You'll see why soon, and you'll thank me for it.  I started year seven with braces and short, curly hair.  Right there my appearance was mocked and taunted, especially when other students were trying to fit into their new peer groups at my expense.  Because of this I became quiet and shy, another trait to pick, because I could not speak up to defend myself.  Then came my enthusiasm towards learning, you see I came from a school which was in special measures, had an embarrassingly low GCSE pass rate and a dire reputation for poor behaving students inside and outside of the school grounds.  The school was an awful institution.  Anyway, I was picked on and called a 'boffin' for listening to my teacher and actually doing my work.  I'm rubbing my forehead in disbelief as I type this.

It was established that I was the girl who everybody picked on.  Girls, boys, years above and beneath me, even a couple of teachers joined in too!  And speaking of teachers, well, they knew full well what was going on, they just turned a blind eye.  Some felt sorry for me, but that was as far as it went.

And then, at the beginning of year nine in 2003 it got too much and something broke inside me.  I had my first panic attack, and my worst.  I thought I was dying.  Only a few months before I was diagnosed with a scoliosis, a curved spine, and now I was tormented with a mental illness.  This became new material.  I was bullied for being deformed and mad.  For a thirteen year old girl, who was trying to make sense of the world and my place within it, this took a massive hit on my self image and self consciousness.  And then, right on cue, the depression hit.

I couldn't eat, I slept most of the day, I didn't wash, I didn't want to speak to anybody.  A, then, 14 year old girl, spending all of her time in her dark bedroom in week old clothes.  That was not normal, whether you are 14 or 40.  But nobody thought the same.  People didn't think that teenage girls could get depression, there was no reason to get me help.  'She'll grow out of it' they said.  That never happened, instead the depression took a tighter, and more damaging grip.  Then there was the 'They're jealous of you' excuse- jealous of me?  Sure, they can have my depression if they are that jealous!

Despite being so ill and still being bullied day in day out, by which point was becoming physical (hit by tennis rackets, stones, rulers and other unidentified objects), I still went to school every day.  I have no idea how I did not commit suicide, because by that point the bullying had been going on for two and a half years continuous.  I couldn't tell you if I was brave, or still had hope, or whatever, but by God the deadly, crippling thoughts were there.  I still think back to that determination to continue, because if I was put back there I don't think I would last again.

But, I'm sitting here today, alive.  I have accomplished many things, I am married to my best friend, I am lucky enough to have a mortgage and I have even written a book.  OK, I don't have a social life, my phone barely rings, I see myself as a total failure and I never did accomplish getting a degree, but one has to remind herself that life is not all that bad.  But that's hard, because one is still depressed.

Do I forgive my bullies, the stupid teenagers who picked and picked at a human life so much that they left it broken and scarred?  No, I have tried, but deep down it still hurts and no amount of counselling, therapy or spirituality can stop that.  I have to live with this, I doubt they do.  I doubt they even remember who I am or what they did to me, and that hurts in its own way.  I suppose it hurts to not even receive an acknowledgement that what they did to me left a permanent scar which I have to live with forever.  If I'm honest, it would not make a difference to me, it would not undo anything.  But what about the adults who stood by and watched, the ones who could have done something?  That just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  If it were me I would not and could not stand by and watch, I would say something!  Children and teenagers rely on adults, be it their parents, guardians and teachers, for protection, and we should give them that protection.

Maybe it's because times have changed.  Today we see childhood bullying as abuse, whereas when I was at school is was just seen as part of growing up and pot luck whether it happened to you or not.  There was no solution to it, it either went away on its own or you moved schools.  I'm glad, for the sake of today's and tomorrow's children, that there is a better attitude towards bullying thanks to research into the damage that bullying can do which, I'm afraid to say, lingers long into adulthood.

What I learnt about mental health well-being on a counselling course

September last year I embarked on a level three course to pursue my career in counselling (that’s the talking therapy kind, not the politician kind, as I have had to remind people).  I enjoyed the smaller three month course that preceded it and I knew I would enjoy this one.  But did I prepare myself for the momentous amount of self-reflection and discovery, ow no I didn't!

Some people can be afraid of self-reflection and discovery, either because of not wanting to learn dark truths about ourselves or to relive painful memories and emotions.  Some people view it as tosh and nonsense.  But, from a mental health well-being point of view, it was very much worth it.

At the beginning we explored issues like culture, malpractice, ethical issues and limitations in the counselling environment.  Interesting stuff, you may learn where your tolerances are, but not mind blowing stuff.  Then comes the psychological theories of Freud’s unconscious and psychoanalysis, Adler’s attachment theory, Jung’s archetypes, Roger’s six core conditions, Berne’s theory of game playing and Ellis’s ABC-DE of irrational thinking.  I like science me, so this was fascinating and kept my attention.  This was when the self-analysis really kicks in.

Also, be it a counselling course, we learn a range of skills to allow our clients to freely explore their world in a safe environment provided by ourselves, physically and emotionally.  We practise these skills with our classmates, taking it in turns to be the counsellor and the client.  I imagined myself talking about mundane issues, I mean, like hell am I talking about my deepest and darkest issues to mere students, but I felt empowered to really go deep, ask myself why like I never did before, let the words flow out.  But, on the flip side, to allow your client to freely explore their world, to you, in the environment that you provided, is an honour.  There is a great satisfaction in knowing that, just by being empathic, you have helped somebody learn just that bit more about themselves and their situation.  Sometimes what they have learnt is negative, but that’s OK, because we can explore that further.

So, with all of the above, it is hard to not learn about yourself.  You think about your impulsions and childhood experiences against a psychodynamic theory and your anxieties against a cognitive behavioural method.  But it’s more than that.  I don’t know about others but I have become conscious of a lot of what I do, say and feel.  I recognise certain ‘neurosis’s stemming from my experiences of being bullied at school, like my fascination over perfection and inability to accept failure.  I have even learnt, for the first time, that it is OK to be angry, as this was an emotion that was looked down upon in my family.  I even people-watch differently now, I question why people behave the way they do.  This makes character development for my novels easier!

I suppose I could look back on this course as a very expensive therapy session.  But that’s OK.  My philosophy in life is that if we learn to fish we can feed ourselves for life.  I like to be shown how to do things, I want to learn as much as I can, and this remains in mental health well-being.  Somebody said to me that we buy better food and gym memberships to improve our physical well-being, so why do we not invest in talking therapy to improve our mental well-being?  The first argument against this is cost, one can exercise and get fit without the need of an expensive gym membership or equipment, but is that the same for mental health well-being? 

Talking is very important, but talking to the right person in the right environment is also important.  I am very lucky to have been in a classroom of empathic and congruent people who have enabled me to explore my world for me to get where I am today, but others will not be as lucky.  Talking therapies on the NHS are limited to a handful of sessions, and if you do not develop a working relationship with your therapist then tough.  If what you want to talk about is lengthy and complicated, then good luck condensing it into six sessions.  And if you want to go private then you better check the bank account first, as experience and quality of therapist is reflected in their costs.  So what can you do when the NHS can’t help and you’re skint?

This is my issue, right there.  And it hurts.  But, as one takes responsibility and control over their physical health one should over their mental health.  I would like there to be opportunities for people to talk about their problems and issues to anybody, a pen pal maybe, or even a good friend.  We need to talk to keep our health in check, talk about relationships at work, what decisions to make, niggling memories from the past.  Humans are social animals.  If we talk more I believe that anxiety and depressive symptoms will drop.

Our society is becoming more tolerant (in some areas, anyway).  Homosexuality is no longer illegal in the UK, people are free to practice whichever religion they want and women’s rights and equality is improving.  I have noticed how people are starting to become more open about mental health.  I am not afraid to stand up and defend mental health.  I have explained to people the pain of being depressed when they complain about their friends and how I conquered my demons in panic attacks and anxiety. 

And, on that basis, we should be open about everything.  OK, this is dependent on the person and time, I don’t think I could invite my postman for a tea and a chat about reaching self-actualisation, but if we could be a little more open than we are now, how much better could we all feel?  Let’s be honest and assertive with ourselves and each other, because I think that’s what we all need right now.

Children with mental illness – tips for parents

Before I begin I would like to mention that children's health, especially children's mental health, is not my area of knowledge so I will not offer a list of symptoms or behaviours that should alert parents to think that they could possibly have a mental illness.  Children can exhibit symptoms that are not alike to adult mental illness and parents can tell what is normal and abnormal behaviour in their children.  If you are concerned that your child could be suffering from a mental illness then your first point of call is their GP.

But if your child does have a diagnosed mental illness it can be difficult for the child and parents alike.  It is important for the parents to be involved in their child’s treatment and to offer emotional support.  A child experiencing a mental illness can be frightful and confusing.  Children's development is vital for a healthy adult life and, if the mental illness takes hold too much and there is little support, it could affect their mental health into adulthood.  Here are some tips that could help both parents and child.

Talk to the school:  Let their teachers, and any supporting staff, know that your child has a mental illness.  If the teacher knows then they can monitor their behaviour and learning and possibly tailor their education for good and bad days.  It is important to allow the child to complete their education with minimal disruption, which will benefit in the long term.

Keep in the know with the doctor:  Always speak to your doctor if you are not sure about anything to do with your child’s health and treatment.  Make sure you are aware of what medication they are on (if any) and what therapy is being offered.  It will help to feel more in control.

Monitor them:  Make sure they are eating healthy as a balanced diet is essential for growth and development.  Keep an eye on their behaviour, are they acting differently than normal? 

Be there:  No matter if your child is throwing tantrums, crying, screaming or generally acting out, it could be a sign that they need some attention.  Forget the name calling and what they did, let them know that they will not be alone and that they can talk to their parents whenever they need to.  It does not have to be about mental illness, a chat about their day at school is enough.  Trips out to places they enjoy and the like is also a benefit.  A cuddle on the couch whilst watching a favourite TV show together is another example.

Listen to them:  Sometimes there can be subtle hints that all is not well.  Mentioning aches and pains, not feeling ‘right’ and negative comments could be a sign that they are experiencing a bad patch or something needs changing.  Your child knows when they are not well.

Tell them you love them:  There maybe days when the child feels useless, alone, scared, confused and all the above, simply let them know that they are loved by the whole family.  It is a relief to feel that your family will love you unconditionally, whether you are ill or not.

Never ever ignore the warning signs that your child could be suffering from a mental illness.  Simply burying your head in the sand will not make the problem go away, but make it much worse for the child.  Please don’t be afraid to ask the child what is wrong, or speak to their teachers to discuss their behaviour at school.  It is vitally important for the child!

As a member of an online support group I have come across young people, often as young as 13, experiencing anxiety, depression, bipolar and schizophrenia and often feeling alienated, alone and confused.  An adult experiencing a mental illness is tragic, but to hear a child suffering is heartbreaking.  A healthy childhood is paramount for healthy development into adulthood and their childhood cannot be robbed by mental illness.  But supportive parents could be the key to living happily and healthily.

There is plenty of support for parents who have children with a mental illness.  Mind, SANE and the Samaratans are three excellent support networks, as well as YoungMinds, Barnardos and the NSPCC.  Do not be afraid to ask for help!