Scars of bullying

After a scroll on Pinterest I noticed some bullying awareness pins that touched a raw nerve.  One was a long image of different people with written messages on their hands and faces relating to how people judge them and what they conceal inside.  Having anxiety and depression, and having to conceal my true feelings from the judgemental, I could empathise greatly.  But it took me back to why I am as I am.

I have always been a quiet and reserved child, why, I don't know, that's too far away to analyse.  But maybe that was why I was bullied.  I was an obvious target, I never spoke up and I learnt to believe that it was my fault why I was picked on.  Primary school was not too bad, however I do remember the pain of being excluded from friends.  If I'm honest, it sounds normal, who has not been excluded at some point?  But once my primary education was over, it got worse.

If I could delete memory like deleting computer files I would erase everything from 2001 to 2006.  Sounds pretty extreme, and I do risk ridding good memories, but if it meant never experiencing my most horrendous panic attack, being imprisoned in a year long depressive episode and being mentally healthy today, then sure!  The bullying I experienced affected my life so greatly I now, at the age of 25, have no confidence in my ability to do anything, hate every aspect of myself (physically and emotionally) and have little friends because I cannot trust anybody.

So what happened to screw me up?  I shan't go into detail, but run over it briefly.  You'll see why soon, and you'll thank me for it.  I started year seven with braces and short, curly hair.  Right there my appearance was mocked and taunted, especially when other students were trying to fit into their new peer groups at my expense.  Because of this I became quiet and shy, another trait to pick, because I could not speak up to defend myself.  Then came my enthusiasm towards learning, you see I came from a school which was in special measures, had an embarrassingly low GCSE pass rate and a dire reputation for poor behaving students inside and outside of the school grounds.  The school was an awful institution.  Anyway, I was picked on and called a 'boffin' for listening to my teacher and actually doing my work.  I'm rubbing my forehead in disbelief as I type this.

It was established that I was the girl who everybody picked on.  Girls, boys, years above and beneath me, even a couple of teachers joined in too!  And speaking of teachers, well, they knew full well what was going on, they just turned a blind eye.  Some felt sorry for me, but that was as far as it went.

And then, at the beginning of year nine in 2003 it got too much and something broke inside me.  I had my first panic attack, and my worst.  I thought I was dying.  Only a few months before I was diagnosed with a scoliosis, a curved spine, and now I was tormented with a mental illness.  This became new material.  I was bullied for being deformed and mad.  For a thirteen year old girl, who was trying to make sense of the world and my place within it, this took a massive hit on my self image and self consciousness.  And then, right on cue, the depression hit.

I couldn't eat, I slept most of the day, I didn't wash, I didn't want to speak to anybody.  A, then, 14 year old girl, spending all of her time in her dark bedroom in week old clothes.  That was not normal, whether you are 14 or 40.  But nobody thought the same.  People didn't think that teenage girls could get depression, there was no reason to get me help.  'She'll grow out of it' they said.  That never happened, instead the depression took a tighter, and more damaging grip.  Then there was the 'They're jealous of you' excuse- jealous of me?  Sure, they can have my depression if they are that jealous!

Despite being so ill and still being bullied day in day out, by which point was becoming physical (hit by tennis rackets, stones, rulers and other unidentified objects), I still went to school every day.  I have no idea how I did not commit suicide, because by that point the bullying had been going on for two and a half years continuous.  I couldn't tell you if I was brave, or still had hope, or whatever, but by God the deadly, crippling thoughts were there.  I still think back to that determination to continue, because if I was put back there I don't think I would last again.

But, I'm sitting here today, alive.  I have accomplished many things, I am married to my best friend, I am lucky enough to have a mortgage and I have even written a book.  OK, I don't have a social life, my phone barely rings, I see myself as a total failure and I never did accomplish getting a degree, but one has to remind herself that life is not all that bad.  But that's hard, because one is still depressed.

Do I forgive my bullies, the stupid teenagers who picked and picked at a human life so much that they left it broken and scarred?  No, I have tried, but deep down it still hurts and no amount of counselling, therapy or spirituality can stop that.  I have to live with this, I doubt they do.  I doubt they even remember who I am or what they did to me, and that hurts in its own way.  I suppose it hurts to not even receive an acknowledgement that what they did to me left a permanent scar which I have to live with forever.  If I'm honest, it would not make a difference to me, it would not undo anything.  But what about the adults who stood by and watched, the ones who could have done something?  That just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  If it were me I would not and could not stand by and watch, I would say something!  Children and teenagers rely on adults, be it their parents, guardians and teachers, for protection, and we should give them that protection.

Maybe it's because times have changed.  Today we see childhood bullying as abuse, whereas when I was at school is was just seen as part of growing up and pot luck whether it happened to you or not.  There was no solution to it, it either went away on its own or you moved schools.  I'm glad, for the sake of today's and tomorrow's children, that there is a better attitude towards bullying thanks to research into the damage that bullying can do which, I'm afraid to say, lingers long into adulthood.

Children with mental illness – tips for parents

Before I begin I would like to mention that children's health, especially children's mental health, is not my area of knowledge so I will not offer a list of symptoms or behaviours that should alert parents to think that they could possibly have a mental illness.  Children can exhibit symptoms that are not alike to adult mental illness and parents can tell what is normal and abnormal behaviour in their children.  If you are concerned that your child could be suffering from a mental illness then your first point of call is their GP.

But if your child does have a diagnosed mental illness it can be difficult for the child and parents alike.  It is important for the parents to be involved in their child’s treatment and to offer emotional support.  A child experiencing a mental illness can be frightful and confusing.  Children's development is vital for a healthy adult life and, if the mental illness takes hold too much and there is little support, it could affect their mental health into adulthood.  Here are some tips that could help both parents and child.

Talk to the school:  Let their teachers, and any supporting staff, know that your child has a mental illness.  If the teacher knows then they can monitor their behaviour and learning and possibly tailor their education for good and bad days.  It is important to allow the child to complete their education with minimal disruption, which will benefit in the long term.

Keep in the know with the doctor:  Always speak to your doctor if you are not sure about anything to do with your child’s health and treatment.  Make sure you are aware of what medication they are on (if any) and what therapy is being offered.  It will help to feel more in control.

Monitor them:  Make sure they are eating healthy as a balanced diet is essential for growth and development.  Keep an eye on their behaviour, are they acting differently than normal? 

Be there:  No matter if your child is throwing tantrums, crying, screaming or generally acting out, it could be a sign that they need some attention.  Forget the name calling and what they did, let them know that they will not be alone and that they can talk to their parents whenever they need to.  It does not have to be about mental illness, a chat about their day at school is enough.  Trips out to places they enjoy and the like is also a benefit.  A cuddle on the couch whilst watching a favourite TV show together is another example.

Listen to them:  Sometimes there can be subtle hints that all is not well.  Mentioning aches and pains, not feeling ‘right’ and negative comments could be a sign that they are experiencing a bad patch or something needs changing.  Your child knows when they are not well.

Tell them you love them:  There maybe days when the child feels useless, alone, scared, confused and all the above, simply let them know that they are loved by the whole family.  It is a relief to feel that your family will love you unconditionally, whether you are ill or not.

Never ever ignore the warning signs that your child could be suffering from a mental illness.  Simply burying your head in the sand will not make the problem go away, but make it much worse for the child.  Please don’t be afraid to ask the child what is wrong, or speak to their teachers to discuss their behaviour at school.  It is vitally important for the child!

As a member of an online support group I have come across young people, often as young as 13, experiencing anxiety, depression, bipolar and schizophrenia and often feeling alienated, alone and confused.  An adult experiencing a mental illness is tragic, but to hear a child suffering is heartbreaking.  A healthy childhood is paramount for healthy development into adulthood and their childhood cannot be robbed by mental illness.  But supportive parents could be the key to living happily and healthily.

There is plenty of support for parents who have children with a mental illness.  Mind, SANE and the Samaratans are three excellent support networks, as well as YoungMinds, Barnardos and the NSPCC.  Do not be afraid to ask for help!

The importance of proper breathing

A lot of symptoms of panic attacks and anxiety are induced by shallow breathing.  Symptoms include dizziness, impaired senses, pins and needles and more.  Without medicalising this too much the reason for these symptoms are an imbalance of oxygen and carbon dioxide in the blood, caused by hyperventilating and shallow breathing.

Some sufferers of panic attacks develop a habit of shallow breathing, which creates these symptoms during and in between attacks.  This is similar for anxiety sufferers, who practise shallow breathing during periods of high anxiety.  Once recognised the sufferer should begin practising proper, abdominal breathing which, in turn, can reduce anxiety and panic symptoms.

Before I move onto proper breathing I will give you a quick biology lesson on why proper breathing can reduce anxiety and panic symptoms.  Our nervous system is broken up into two systems:  peripheral and central nervous systems (PNS and CNS respectively).  The PNS is broken up into more systems, one being the autonomic nervous system (ANS) which is what controls the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems (SNS and PSNS respectively).  The diagram below should help with the ordering of these systems:

The SNS is what reacts during the fight-and-flight response.  This is what is responsible for your symptoms of anxiety, stress and panic.  When the threat has gone the PSNS is responsible for rest-and-digest and feed-and-breed, meaning it relaxes the body and takes it off guard.

When anxious or panicking in a situation that has no danger to us (like shopping) there is no use to us for a guard to be up, so to switch off the SNS and switch on the PSNS.  Although everything in the ANS is controlled subconsciously (like digesting our food and reflexes) we have an indirect control over our SNS and PSNS.  To reduce the symptoms of anxiety and panic proper, abdominal breathing can bring our heart rate down, resulting in other symptoms to reduce, i.e. sweating and dizziness, and eventually stop them.

Now you understand how important it is to practise proper breathing let me explain how it is done.  Proper breathing is deep, slow and rhythmic.  Whilst hyperventilating is concentrated in the upper chest proper breathing concentrates in the abdomen.  Breaths in cause the abdomen to expand outwards and retracts when breathing out.  Placing your hand on your abdomen you can tell if you are breathing properly.  Different organisations, groups and people give different breathing rates, some say breathe in for five seconds, out for seven, three in and three out or two in and five out.  I will not give a specific number as people have different lung capacities, one method could cause over breathing for some or it could cause under breathing for others.  Experiment to see how long you prefer.  Remember to pause during breaths.  Here is a step by step process:

• Relax and untense yourself, sitting somewhere quiet
• Breathe in, feeling your abdomen expand outwards
• Hold for a few seconds
• Breathe out, feeling your abdomen retract
• Hold for a few seconds – and start again

It is most beneficial when you practise proper breathing at home.  Set aside some time to practise your breathing, preferably somewhere quiet and comfortable, and practise for a few minutes.  Once the fundamentals have been learnt this can be done in front of the television or on the bus.  That way you prepare yourself for when you need to regulate your breathing and it has a higher chance of working.  Do not be disheartened if it does not work the first time, like many techniques it takes practise.  As this becomes second nature you will find symptoms like chest pains and dizziness will start to lessen and subside.