Scars of bullying

After a scroll on Pinterest I noticed some bullying awareness pins that touched a raw nerve.  One was a long image of different people with written messages on their hands and faces relating to how people judge them and what they conceal inside.  Having anxiety and depression, and having to conceal my true feelings from the judgemental, I could empathise greatly.  But it took me back to why I am as I am.

I have always been a quiet and reserved child, why, I don't know, that's too far away to analyse.  But maybe that was why I was bullied.  I was an obvious target, I never spoke up and I learnt to believe that it was my fault why I was picked on.  Primary school was not too bad, however I do remember the pain of being excluded from friends.  If I'm honest, it sounds normal, who has not been excluded at some point?  But once my primary education was over, it got worse.

If I could delete memory like deleting computer files I would erase everything from 2001 to 2006.  Sounds pretty extreme, and I do risk ridding good memories, but if it meant never experiencing my most horrendous panic attack, being imprisoned in a year long depressive episode and being mentally healthy today, then sure!  The bullying I experienced affected my life so greatly I now, at the age of 25, have no confidence in my ability to do anything, hate every aspect of myself (physically and emotionally) and have little friends because I cannot trust anybody.

So what happened to screw me up?  I shan't go into detail, but run over it briefly.  You'll see why soon, and you'll thank me for it.  I started year seven with braces and short, curly hair.  Right there my appearance was mocked and taunted, especially when other students were trying to fit into their new peer groups at my expense.  Because of this I became quiet and shy, another trait to pick, because I could not speak up to defend myself.  Then came my enthusiasm towards learning, you see I came from a school which was in special measures, had an embarrassingly low GCSE pass rate and a dire reputation for poor behaving students inside and outside of the school grounds.  The school was an awful institution.  Anyway, I was picked on and called a 'boffin' for listening to my teacher and actually doing my work.  I'm rubbing my forehead in disbelief as I type this.

It was established that I was the girl who everybody picked on.  Girls, boys, years above and beneath me, even a couple of teachers joined in too!  And speaking of teachers, well, they knew full well what was going on, they just turned a blind eye.  Some felt sorry for me, but that was as far as it went.

And then, at the beginning of year nine in 2003 it got too much and something broke inside me.  I had my first panic attack, and my worst.  I thought I was dying.  Only a few months before I was diagnosed with a scoliosis, a curved spine, and now I was tormented with a mental illness.  This became new material.  I was bullied for being deformed and mad.  For a thirteen year old girl, who was trying to make sense of the world and my place within it, this took a massive hit on my self image and self consciousness.  And then, right on cue, the depression hit.

I couldn't eat, I slept most of the day, I didn't wash, I didn't want to speak to anybody.  A, then, 14 year old girl, spending all of her time in her dark bedroom in week old clothes.  That was not normal, whether you are 14 or 40.  But nobody thought the same.  People didn't think that teenage girls could get depression, there was no reason to get me help.  'She'll grow out of it' they said.  That never happened, instead the depression took a tighter, and more damaging grip.  Then there was the 'They're jealous of you' excuse- jealous of me?  Sure, they can have my depression if they are that jealous!

Despite being so ill and still being bullied day in day out, by which point was becoming physical (hit by tennis rackets, stones, rulers and other unidentified objects), I still went to school every day.  I have no idea how I did not commit suicide, because by that point the bullying had been going on for two and a half years continuous.  I couldn't tell you if I was brave, or still had hope, or whatever, but by God the deadly, crippling thoughts were there.  I still think back to that determination to continue, because if I was put back there I don't think I would last again.

But, I'm sitting here today, alive.  I have accomplished many things, I am married to my best friend, I am lucky enough to have a mortgage and I have even written a book.  OK, I don't have a social life, my phone barely rings, I see myself as a total failure and I never did accomplish getting a degree, but one has to remind herself that life is not all that bad.  But that's hard, because one is still depressed.

Do I forgive my bullies, the stupid teenagers who picked and picked at a human life so much that they left it broken and scarred?  No, I have tried, but deep down it still hurts and no amount of counselling, therapy or spirituality can stop that.  I have to live with this, I doubt they do.  I doubt they even remember who I am or what they did to me, and that hurts in its own way.  I suppose it hurts to not even receive an acknowledgement that what they did to me left a permanent scar which I have to live with forever.  If I'm honest, it would not make a difference to me, it would not undo anything.  But what about the adults who stood by and watched, the ones who could have done something?  That just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  If it were me I would not and could not stand by and watch, I would say something!  Children and teenagers rely on adults, be it their parents, guardians and teachers, for protection, and we should give them that protection.

Maybe it's because times have changed.  Today we see childhood bullying as abuse, whereas when I was at school is was just seen as part of growing up and pot luck whether it happened to you or not.  There was no solution to it, it either went away on its own or you moved schools.  I'm glad, for the sake of today's and tomorrow's children, that there is a better attitude towards bullying thanks to research into the damage that bullying can do which, I'm afraid to say, lingers long into adulthood.

Children with mental illness – tips for parents

Before I begin I would like to mention that children's health, especially children's mental health, is not my area of knowledge so I will not offer a list of symptoms or behaviours that should alert parents to think that they could possibly have a mental illness.  Children can exhibit symptoms that are not alike to adult mental illness and parents can tell what is normal and abnormal behaviour in their children.  If you are concerned that your child could be suffering from a mental illness then your first point of call is their GP.

But if your child does have a diagnosed mental illness it can be difficult for the child and parents alike.  It is important for the parents to be involved in their child’s treatment and to offer emotional support.  A child experiencing a mental illness can be frightful and confusing.  Children's development is vital for a healthy adult life and, if the mental illness takes hold too much and there is little support, it could affect their mental health into adulthood.  Here are some tips that could help both parents and child.

Talk to the school:  Let their teachers, and any supporting staff, know that your child has a mental illness.  If the teacher knows then they can monitor their behaviour and learning and possibly tailor their education for good and bad days.  It is important to allow the child to complete their education with minimal disruption, which will benefit in the long term.

Keep in the know with the doctor:  Always speak to your doctor if you are not sure about anything to do with your child’s health and treatment.  Make sure you are aware of what medication they are on (if any) and what therapy is being offered.  It will help to feel more in control.

Monitor them:  Make sure they are eating healthy as a balanced diet is essential for growth and development.  Keep an eye on their behaviour, are they acting differently than normal? 

Be there:  No matter if your child is throwing tantrums, crying, screaming or generally acting out, it could be a sign that they need some attention.  Forget the name calling and what they did, let them know that they will not be alone and that they can talk to their parents whenever they need to.  It does not have to be about mental illness, a chat about their day at school is enough.  Trips out to places they enjoy and the like is also a benefit.  A cuddle on the couch whilst watching a favourite TV show together is another example.

Listen to them:  Sometimes there can be subtle hints that all is not well.  Mentioning aches and pains, not feeling ‘right’ and negative comments could be a sign that they are experiencing a bad patch or something needs changing.  Your child knows when they are not well.

Tell them you love them:  There maybe days when the child feels useless, alone, scared, confused and all the above, simply let them know that they are loved by the whole family.  It is a relief to feel that your family will love you unconditionally, whether you are ill or not.

Never ever ignore the warning signs that your child could be suffering from a mental illness.  Simply burying your head in the sand will not make the problem go away, but make it much worse for the child.  Please don’t be afraid to ask the child what is wrong, or speak to their teachers to discuss their behaviour at school.  It is vitally important for the child!

As a member of an online support group I have come across young people, often as young as 13, experiencing anxiety, depression, bipolar and schizophrenia and often feeling alienated, alone and confused.  An adult experiencing a mental illness is tragic, but to hear a child suffering is heartbreaking.  A healthy childhood is paramount for healthy development into adulthood and their childhood cannot be robbed by mental illness.  But supportive parents could be the key to living happily and healthily.

There is plenty of support for parents who have children with a mental illness.  Mind, SANE and the Samaratans are three excellent support networks, as well as YoungMinds, Barnardos and the NSPCC.  Do not be afraid to ask for help!

Young people and mental illness

Recently in the news reports have come through regarding young people and mental illness.  By ‘young people’ I am referring to children, teenagers and young adults.

The first report that caught my attention was the use of police cells to section those who are at risk of harm as a result of their mental health.  While it is satisfying to know that during a mental health crisis there will be somebody to help the use of police cells almost gives the young person a sense of criminality rather than being in a place of safety.  The report said that this often happens when there are not any free psychiatric beds and the use of police cells are to keep them safe until one does become free.  Help for those with mental health problems are disgustingly low, but to hear about children spending up to twenty-four hours in a police cell is discomforting to read.

(http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-25900085 - 26 January 2014)

The next report, although the lesser of the evil above, is still not acceptable.  Children and young people admitted for mental health problems are often referred to adult mental health wards.  Although this is only a last resort option it is still shocking to read that 350 young people under the age of 18 between 2013-14 were admitted to these adult wards, a rise of 108 from two years previous.  One patient reported how strict the rules were in the wards, meaning that friends and family could not visit her, which could only further add to her distress.

(http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-26255533 - 20 February 2014)

In the last report AnxietyUK and YouthNet warn that young people need help with their anxiety and for it to be better recognised by their GPs, with guidelines set by the National Institute of health and Care Excellence (NICE).  Many GP’s are only prescribing medication when NICE’s guidelines instruct that psychological treatment is required as well, such as counselling.  Anxiety disorders are disruptive and constricting, in regards to getting a job and enjoy life, whilst for teenagers it can have a more sociological affect.  A girl in the report explained that she could not go to parties if there were people she did not know and she had to commute earlier to work to avoid the busy rush hour. 

(http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/26273892 - 21 February 2014)

It is disturbing read to find out that children, teenagers and young adults are being plagued by mental illness with lack of support, whether it be from family, friends, school, work, the health system or a mixture of the above.  Young people should be concentrating their time on friends, schooling, work, future prospects and the things they enjoy, whether it be sports, music, art and more.  Young people developing a mental illness can greatly affect their life, from social isolation to lack of self confidence and self esteem, which could affect them into their adult years and, in the worst case scenario, their mental health could worsen from lack of proper support.

Whilst I argue that treating mental illnesses needs to be improved across the spectrum I believe correctly diagnosing, supporting and treating children, teenagers and young adults should be priority.  As an adult I understand how difficult it is to live with anxiety and depression and, whilst I suffered with it as a teenager, it breaks my heart to read that, ten years after my illness developed, we are still ignoring the warning signs.  Children should be able to be children, and teenagers to be teenagers, and not to miss a single day of their youth because of a mental illness.

My next blog will be giving advice to parents who have children with a mental illness and what they can do to get support themselves.